DIVINE INJUSTICE...

I came across this quote a few days ago that really spoke to me. It was at a time when I was struggling with intense loneliness and melancholy. The quote read: "I will not tiptoe through life only to arrive safely at death." I have no idea who this saying is accredited to, but the point remains nonetheless. I wonder sometimes about the nature of loneliness. What are its causes? What fuels and drives it? What is it an indication of? Sometimes no doubt, in my own life, it's a reminder of my insecurity; my dependency on relationships and need for community. Not necessarily a bad thing though, right? The line though between what is healthy and not there can be an indistinct one.

Could loneliness sometimes be linked to what I am to consider as part of partaking in the sufferings of Christ? In the so called First World, those of us who claim a devotion to Christ know relatively little of physical hardship for the sake of the Gospel. Perhaps our trials come in a more subtle, yet equally painful form. Rather than violently and swiftly inflicting their mark as a bullet or blade may do, they instead take up residence in our hearts and minds and steadily poison from within. The symptoms vary from a mild, numbing ache that we are barely aware of but never escape, to an inescapable, deafening sorrow that penetrates us in the midst of our solitude and into our very core. I wonder precisely how familiar Jesus was with this human condition. Surely, in the midst of his perfect communion with Abba, he must have longed for the unswerving affection and faithfulness of friends. Did he ever long for the soothing, comforting embrace of a woman he could love and who could love him in return? My theological mindset says of course not...but who knows? This Son of Man who was acquainted with grief; accompanied by sorrow...how much did the frailty of his own humanity cause him pain and woe? I wonder sometimes, in the midst of such enduring emptiness and sadness, how do I find my home; my sanctuary in the shadow of His wing? How do I defiantly sing in the midst of my storms, and stand on the rock that is Jesus as the tempests of life leave me unmoved and unshaken?

This mystery looms and lingers...inviting me to ponder it, wrestle it, unlock it. The days and nights roll by. Times of feeling isolated in the midst of a crowd. Times of emotional barrenness that no romantic companion was ever meant or equipped to address. A void within that so completely and unceasingly demands the person of Jesus, so as to render all other "remedies" pointless, powerless, pathetic and poor. I do not indulge much hope in my salvation from myself apart from the matchless, precious blood of Christ. "Prone to wander, Lord I feel it. Prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart Lord, take and seal it. Seal it for thy courts above." Do you know that I love you? I hope so with all my heart. Because I often am unable to convince myself that I do...not nearly as faithfully and dearly as you deserve. Do you know that my heart of hearts is set apart for You and You alone? I wish that were true. Because I often live in ways that offend the notion of devotion to You. Do you know that if I could flick a switch...if it were as simple as that, that I would give you everything I have and am. I throw myself upon your love, mercy and grace. Deal not with me according to my deeds and choices. Give me what is not rightly mine. Give me a place at your table...a home in your presence. Give me your divine injustice...the result of a reward undeserved, and a verdict unearned. I am a babbling fool, a scrupulous wretch, a helpless infant apart from you. Lead me ever more to find you. I love you. Hopefully, more than I suspect.